


The Gang Starts Third Impact

by Nonon_Jakuzurazy



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: End of Evangelion Spoilers, Other, Parody, nsfw language
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-13
Updated: 2016-01-30
Packaged: 2018-05-06 14:25:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5420507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nonon_Jakuzurazy/pseuds/Nonon_Jakuzurazy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if the events of The End of Evangelion played out a little differently. What if it was Frank Reynolds who gained possesion of Adam rather than Gendo? How would the gang from It's Always sunny in Philadelphia  handle third impact? To be published in installments</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

3:00 PM

On a Thursday

“I’m telling you man, I saw a rat last night the size of a cat!” Charlie exclaimed. Just another afternoon at Paddy’s Pub. Dennis, Charlie, Mac and Dee were at the bar, waiting for the next scheme to happen as usual.

“You mean you saw a Cat” Dennis said, as he sipped away at his Coors light.

“I Saw what I saw man. You believe me right Mac?”

“Oh yea, no one knows more about rats than Charlie. If Charlie says he say a rat then he saw a rat” Mac said. Dennis rolled his eyes to this.

“Well it’s not like”--- before he could finish Frank burst in

”Guys Guys you gotta check this out, I got the scheme to end all schemes. We’ll never need to work after this on. I’ve been planning this one for a good fifteen years and it hasn’t been easy, but now it’s all about to pay off.”

“What some sorta investment? You already have made dozens of those.” Dennis said, wondering just what the man who raised him could be talking about.

“Oh Dennis, this is no monetary investment, this is something much more than that. There’s gonna be no need for money after this.” Frank pulled out a small metal briefcase, and set it up on the bar. Dennis, Dee, Charlie and Mac all gathered around.

“Feast your eyes on this” Frank opened up the briefcase. It was empty, save for a small orange fetus like thing at the center. As soon as the gang realized what it was they all backed away in disgust.

“Selling babies, just like those liberal yahoos on Wall Street. How dare you Frank.” Said Mac

“What is that, a monkey baby? I heard monkey babies stay as babies forever” Charlie asked

“Nice one Frank, are you the father?” Dee said to the man who raised her

“No this ain’t no fetus, this is Adam. Cost quite a fortune he did, had to have him imported all the way from Japan (got some old buddies back there) but with him, everything’s goanna be roses here on out. “Hey get in here now” Frank gestured towards the front of bar. A thin girl walked in, not much taller than Frank. She appeared to be in her mid-teens. She had pale skin, almost albino with bright red eyes and blue hair. She was dressed in a very plain skirt, and her face gave no emotion away.

“Uh Frank, who is that? What are you doing with a clearly underage girl?” said Dee

“This is uh this is Rei. She’s from Japan and is gonna make us all kings. Come on now this is Charlie, Mac, Dennis and Dee.” Frank gestured towards the gang, who instantly ignored the two. A blue haired Japanese teenager was hardly an out of the ordinary event at Paddy’s Pub.

“Come on everyone say hello to our guest. She flew in on a red eye from Japan just for this!” 

“So Uh, you’re from Japan, don’t they eat Rats over there?” Charlie asked. Rei either didn’t hear him or didn’t care.

“No Charlie, you’re thinking of cats. They eat Cats in Japan. Nation of godless heathens if you ask me.” Mac said coolly.

“No listen they don’t eat rats or cats in Japan you’re thinking of Vietnam. They eat anything that moves over there.” Dennis said smugly.

“Even people? Cause once you eat human meat you get the hunger. I know from experience.” Charlie said.

“That was raccoon meat you dumbass. You ate Raccoon meat.” Dee said.

“You mean we ate raccoon meat.” Charlie said, recalling the time he and Dee ate from Frank’s locked meat supply, with Frank telling them they had just eaten human flesh, causing the two to spend the next couple days attempting to find more to satisfy their hunger, which was actually caused by tapeworms from eating raccoon meat.

     While all of this nonsense was going on Frank and Rei spoke to each other in Japanese. Even without understanding the language, one listening could infer that the conversation they were having was quite serious. The conversation that decided the future of the human race was overshadowed by a group of fully grown individuals arguing on whether or not you could buy cat meat from vending machines in Japan or not.

 “Enough. Everyone come with me to the basement, it’s time to make history.” Frank gestured towards the seldom used basement of Paddy’s pub, and having nothing better to do, the gang followed Frank and Rei down to the basement. Aside from Frank and Rei, nobody knew the implications of what was about to happen.

As the gang slowly filed towards the stairs Mac said “Well whatever this is it better be something I haven’t seen before.”

“Oh I assure you, you have never seen nothing like this before.” Frank said with an almost menacing tone.

“Come on Frank, at least tell us what you have planned with a fetus and a Japanese teenager. Some kind of fetish porn? Since that would be very illegal and a respectable name like Dennis Reynolds can’t be dragged down like that. I’ve been mistaken for a sexual offender once and don’t plan on having that happen again.”

“It’s not porn, I’m not a diddler, why there’s not going to be any need for porn when we are done tonight.” Frank said.

“O.K then what is it?” Dennis asked

“Third Impact” Frank Said

_The Gang Starts Third Impact_


	2. Love is Destructive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frank and Rei's plan is revaled to Dee, Dennis, Mac and Charlie. See how the gang reacts to the start of Third Impact.

The six of them stood crowded in the basement. Frank and Rei stood at the front of the room, while the rest of the gang quietly bickered in the back.

“Wait has the carbon monoxide leak down here been fixed yet?” Dee asked

“Don’t worry, we’re not staying here long, here help me with this.” Frank said to the rest of the gang, gesturing towards a large shelf. Rei remained at the back of the group, still silent.

“Come on help me push it.” Frank said.

“Everyone back up, back up. I got this” Mac said triumphantly, rolling up the sleeves of his Riot shirt. “Check this shit out.” Mac began to push on the shelf, straining himself but the shelf did not budge.

“Hold on, you gotta push with your back not your legs Mac, like this” Dennis said and walked up next to Mac, and attempted to move the shelf. Even with the might of a perfect specimen like Dennis Reynolds, the shelf would not move.

“Step aside, you bozos are pushing it the wrong way.” Frank said, waving away Mac and Dennis. He walked up to the opposite side of the shelf and effortlessly pushed it away. “See? It’s not so hard.”

“I knew that it went the other way Frank, I just wanted to test the strength of the door as head of security.” Mac said with a slight grin.

“Whatever” Frank said. Behind the shelf was what appeared to be an elevator door.

“Since when does Paddy’s have a secret elevator? Isn’t this something we should know about?” Dee asked

“Since when have you given a shit about what I do? Come on Rei lets get to work, I need you all too.”  Frank and Rei walked into the elevator with the gang following behind.

The elevator was surprisingly big inside. Rei silently stood by the front of the elevator, staring at the doors. Frank was mumbling to himself behind. Dee, Mac, Charlie and Dennis, all upset to have been in the elevator this long all leaned against the walls.

“Come on Frank, no music? Could you at least get some Steve Winwood in here?” Dennis said

“Just shut up we’re almost there” Frank Said.

The elevator ride lasted another minute before stopping. The doors opened up and Mac, Dennis, Dee and Charlie pushed Frank and Rei aside. They had no idea what awaited them on the other side. Everyone except for Frank and Rei were speechless at what they saw. It was Mac who came to his senses first and said

“Why the fuck is the stay puft marshmallow man on a crucifix, and why is the basement flooded with Fanta?” Mac said, attempting to describe the sight in front of him.

“Oh that’s not Fanta Mac, that’s Tang” Dennis said

“I don’t think it’s either” A concerned Dee said

The room was large, around the size of a large warehouse. The elevator lead out to a small dock of sorts, as the rest of the chamber was filled with a pool of orange goo. At the end of the room, a large crucifix stood with what looked like the stay puft marshmallow man. A purple mask covered the creatures face. This was beyond anything the gang had seen before.

“This is Lilith guys. She’s been here for quite a while, surprised you guys never looked down here before. But whatever, this is what has given Paddy’s its value, this is why I came back.”

“So uh what does this all mean?” Dee asked.

“Well its quite simple Deandra, Lilith and Adam are two supremely ancient beings and if they ever fuse, whoever causes the fusion gets to decide the fate of the world.”

“What the hell frank. Why is that poor girl even here?” Said Dee. Frank had done many crazy schemes before, but this was something else.

 “Well it’s quite simple, Rei is going to act as the vessel for fusing Adam and Lilith. I’m just gonna grab this fetus of Adam here, and place it in Rei. And Rei’s gonna fuse with Lilith and let me decided what the new world should be. It’s called Third Impact. Read about it in the Dead Sea Scrolls”

Dee was taken aback, this was simply too much. Mac, Dennis and Charlie where off at the other end of the room staring at Lilith and talking about _Ghostbusters._

“Come on Deandra, help me get this Adam inside of Rei.” Frank said as he opened the briefcase.

“No frank, this is to far. This girl is young she has potential. Look do you even want to do this Rei?” Dee asked Rei, in the hopes of derailing Franks plan

“I have nothing else.” Rei said blankly.

“No listen sister, get out of her, be a model or something you can go places.” Dee attempted to Drag Rei towards the elevator.

“Not so fast.” Frank said as he pulled out his gun, pointing it at Dee. Dee backed away from Rei, towards the edge of the dock.

“Frank lets be reasonable here, this is a teenage girl Frank I’m not going to let you do anything to her. Frank don’t’ have to-“

“Deandra Reynolds, the truth is” Frank then mumbled something.

“Frank you’re just mumbling now” Dee said.

Frank pulled the tigger, fatally shooting Dee. As Dee fell into the pool of orange goo surrounding the platform here last thoughts were on what a shitty father Fank was. The gunshot got the attention of Mac, Charlie and Dennis, who were in a heated debate on which _Ghostbusters_ cartoon was better.

“The one thing I don’t get about Ghostbusters it’s that none of them are named buster, like it doesn’t make any sense. Like you guys don’t call it Buster work you call it Charlie work because-Holy shit I think Frank just killed Dee.”

Mac, Charlie and Dennis turned around in time to see Dee’s body fall into the pool of orange goo. After a moment of silence the gang started applauding Frank

“Finally” said Mac

“You just destroyed her” Said Dennis, who took the death of his sister at the hand of the man who raised the two of them disturbingly well.

“You are the Terminator Frank!” Charlie said gleefully.

“Come on you bozos, haven’t you been paying attention to anything I’ve been saying? Help me fuse Adam and Lilith. One of you grab Adam fuse him with Rei.” Frank gestured towards Mac first

“Oh no Frank, I’m not sure what this Third Impact business is but it sounds like a sin to me” Mac Said

“Yeah I’m not touching any Japanese girl Frank. That just sounds like a tactical error” Dennis said.

“I mean I’m usually down to help you Frank but me and the Waitress are getting kinda serious, I don’t think she would like this” Charlie said

“Fine I’ll do it.” Frank opened up the case, and grabbed Adam. Frank, holding Adam awkwardly looked at Rei. “So uh where do I put this?”

Rei remained silent.

“You don’t know do yah?” Frank awkwardly looked at Adam which had started fusing with his hand, and placed it on Rei’s head. To everyone’s surprise, Franks’ hand began to pass through Rei, as if she was a hologram. Frank moved his hand around Rei’s face trying to figure out just what was going on. He moved towards her waist and tried to pull his arm out. He was stuck. Finally his arm came out, but not his hand. Rei had taken Adam and Frank’s hand with it.

Frank looked at the stump of his hand, shocked at what happened. The gang was silent as well.

“Oh shit” Frank said, right before the pain kicked in. There wasn’t really any blood but it certainly hurt like hell. Frank began rolling around in pain.

“Rei what the hell? I thought we had a deal” Frank said with anguished breath.

“I am not your doll.” Rei said. She looked coldly at Frank who was screaming in pain on the ground and back at Dennis Mac and Charlie who were all speechless. This was easily the weirdest day at Paddy’s pub.

Rei looked up at Lilith and closed her eyes. Rei began to float up in the air towards Lilith, and hovered around the chest. This seemed to calm her and she appeared to almost smile.

“I am home” Rei said

“Wait please don’t do this Rei.” Frank said looking up at Rei in agnoy.

“Ikari is calling me” Rei said, and then fused with Lilith, floating inside in much the same way frank had attempted to fuse with her earlier.

“well whatever the hell is going on, I am not going through this sober, lets go back upstairs and get wasted.” Dennis said

“Yeah if this is the end of the world, I’m certainly don’t want to be sober for this” Mac said

Dennis and Mac left towards the elevator with Charlie following close behind. Frank was in too much of a shock to notice at first, but turned around just as the three entered the elevator.    

“You bastards better not leave without me” Frank began crawling towards the elevator door. Inside the elevator Dennis was rapidly pushing the door close button. The doors quickly closed and the elevator began its ascent back to the basement.

“Well whatever the hell is going on down there it’s not something I want to see” Mac said

“Charlie, has Frank ever said anything about Rei and Third Impact before?” Dennis asked

“Well he’s talked about needing Rei before but I though he was talking about Rei’s of the sun, you know the sun shoots down all the little Rei’s to power trees and stuff. I thought he was gonna make a solar power plant”

“Why am I not surprised. Anyway I’m glad we’re not down there. Plus with Dee gone we can really focus on us.” Dennis said

“Dude the worlds ending.” Mac said

“You don’t know that for a fact, this doesn’t match anything Biblical right? And trust me, I’ve had college education I think I know when the worlds ending.” Dennis said. The elevator ride ended shortly afterwards. The three stepped out into Paddy’s pub and cracked opened some beers.

“You think Frank’s ok down there?” Charlie asked.

“Frank’s a tough guy, I’m sure he’ll be fine” Mac said

Deep below Paddys pub, Frank stood in awe watching Lilith grown in size. Lilith’s mask fell off, revealing a face underneath. It seems that by fusing with Rei, Lilith had become Rei. Rei’s giant red eyes gazed at frank. Rei continued to grow in size quickly filling up the chamber.

“Oh Shit.” Said Frank


	3. One More Final: I need you

Inside Paddy’s pub, Mac, Dennis and Charlie were busy celebrating the fact that now, they were the only members of the gang left.

“Guys, does it bother you that both Frank and Dee are dead?” Mac asked

“No” Dennis said

“Uh, I mean I’ll need to find someone new to play night crawlers with, but pretty good aside from that” Charlie said.

“I mean Dee was your sister, that doesn’t bother you at all?” Mac asked

“She was my sister, but she was also a bitch.” Dennis said, which got a high five from both Mac and Charlie

“I always knew it would end up the three of us, and really if you think about it, we’re the only essential members of the gang. Frank and Dee were never more than accessories if you think about it.” Dennis said as walked towards the jukebox. “An occasion like this deserves to be celebrated.” Dennis selected a song. _Higher Love_ by Steve Winwood came on. “Come on guys, let’s get drunk.”

Charlie, Mac and Dennis all grabbed beers and cheered. It seemed things were going their way for once. And everything was, except the impending third impact. Lilith had assumed her full size, and began the process of lowering the AT-Fields of everyone on earth, and soon all souls would be fused into one. The human instrumentality project had begun.

Mac sat down on a barstool, drinking a beer and reflecting on how good his life had been. True, today had been a good day, but it wasn’t complete. Something was missing, or more accurately someone was missing. If only L.A Dodgers Second Baseman Chase Utley was here. Mac had never met him, but he felt like Chase would be the only one who truly understood him. Charlie and Dennis where off to the side, laughing at some joke together.

Mac looked up, and couldn’t believe what he saw. Chase Utley was here! Before Mac could say anything, Chase ran towards him, smiling and embraced Mac. Mac had never been this happy, this is what he always wanted, but he could even express his feelings.

Mac suddenly exploded into orange goo.

“WHAT THE FUCK!” Dennis yelped. Both him and Charlie were at a loss for words. Dennis looked around, Charlie was gone. Dennis, full of fear ducked under the bar seating. Frank was right, this was the end. Dennis crouched down, shaking in fear, in denial the fact that he was shaking. This was so unlike him. Dennis was perfect, a golden god!

Dennis looked up, and saw that the room was full of other Dennis Reynolds. Each one was equally beautiful and flawless. Dennis felt calm, he didn’t know what was happening, but he no longer felt afraid. One Dennis stepped forward, one different form all the rest. This Dennis had a golden glow around him. This was the Golden God, approaching his best disciple. The Golden God knelt down and stroked Dennis’s face, and Dennis found himself crying.

He too turned into orange goo.

Charlie had locked himself in the office, barricading the door with the desk. He frantically searched the room, looking for paint or glue, or anything to calm him down. He eventually gave up and lay in a fetal position, unable to cope with his surroundings. Charlie was not alone he felt someone else was in the room. Expecting to die, Charlie looked up, only to find the Waitress. She smiled, and handed him a paper bag full of glue. Charlie was too overjoyed to even think about glue though.

The Waitress cradled Charlie in her arms.

“Waitress! Waitress! Waitress” Charlie cried out with joy

Those were the last words of Charlie Kelly. He too became LCL.

Deep below Paddy’s Pub, Frank was lying down, waiting for his death to arrive.

“All my life, I’ve exploited people, banged all kinds of whoores, and now it’s all coming back to bite me in the ass. I’ve always hoped to see the apocalypse, see what it does to people, but never thought I’d cause it.”

Frank felt a moment of peace for the first time in years. He looked up, and noticed that the room was full of everyone he’d ever wronged. Every whoore he banged, every business partner he cheated, everyone he screwed over one way or the other. The crowd closed in on Frank.

“You pansies get it over with!”

Frank was unceremoniously beaten to death, his body turned to LCL.

And with that, the Paddy’s Pub gang left their psychical form.

 

 

Later

 

Charlie opened his eyes. He couldn’t remember anything. All he could recall was his name, and the names Mac, Dennis, Dee and Frank. He could only remember darkness. He looked around. He was on a beach of some sort. The ocean was red, and grim specters lined the horizon, seemingly strung up on crucifixes. He looked around, and saw traces of Paddy’s Pub around him, a shattered barstool embedded in the sand, broken glasses lined the shores.

Dennis appeared, looking just as confused. Mac shortly followed.

“What the hell happened?” Mac asked

“I don’t know man, we must of really gone hard. I honestly can’t remember anything. What was the last thing you guys remember?” Dennis said.

“Frank. He had a new scheme but I don’t remember what it was.” Mac said.

“Where are Dee and Frank?” Charlie asked.

His question was quickly answered. A slightly battered Dee Reynolds appeared.

“Whatup bitches?” Dee was seemingly not alarmed with the gang’s new situation.

“What’s going on Dee?” Dennis asked

“Yeah Dee, why is the ocean red? Did all the fish get cut? Is the ocean fish blood now?” Charlie asked.

“I’m not sure what exactly this is, but Frank did this. It’s all I remember. And wherever Frank is, he’s not coming here.” Dee said

“Oh come on Dee, how did Frank do all this?” Dennis asked

“I’m not sure, all I know is Frank isn’t coming back. We all ended up here, and he’s somewhere else.”

“Are you suggesting that we’re dead? Cause this can’t be heaven, because you three heathens are here.” Mac said accusingly.

“No Mac, we aren’t dead, at least I don’t think we are. We’re just somewhere new.” Dee said

Mac and Dennis let the gravity of the situation, that Paddy’s and seemingly the rest of the world had been destroyed by Frank. Charlie however was down at the beach.

“Hey, Hey Guys! This isn’t ocean water, it’s alcohol. We can get drunk off it!” Charlie said triumphantly.

Mac, Dee and Dennis rushed toward the shore and began drinking handfuls of the strange liquid. Who knows what Frank had done, or what the hell was going on, but at least they still had alcohol.

 

THE END


End file.
